The “hell” in Noel, the joy in rejoicing.Marty and I had planned to get a little bit of shopping done, and get our tree up. Yesterday’s shopping went okay, but I didn’t feel very festive. I got a lot accomplished, but I felt pretty “blah.” I decided today to dress nice and fix my hair and face before heading into the holiday throng.
First stop: Best Buy. We had been debating about buying a photo frame for Marty’s almost-blind mother. She loves to look at photos, but has a difficult time seeing because of her glaucoma. We went back and forth trying to decide if the photo frame would be easy for her to use, be a large enough image for her to see the pictures, or if it would work under her magnifier. We asked for help from customer service, but the “fill-in” guy admitted he didn’t know anything about the frames. When the department manager (yellow jacket guy, not blue shirt guy) came around we asked him some specifics. I tried to explain that the two models we were comparing were mislabeled. They had each other’s model number on the sticker. He didn’t get it and Marty made me stop trying to explain it. We finally decided to get the frame. I figured I could load folders of photos quickly, we could mail the package today, and Mom would be happy. Ho, ho, ho. Ha, ha, ha.
Later, after two phone calls, a fruitless online chat session, download of software that failed, searches on the Internet, and quite a bit of time just spent trying to figure it out myself, I gave up. My first attempt gave her 800 jumbled up photos – pictures from 20 years ago, pictures of dogs, pictures of Nayeli as a baby and at three, pictures of both kids’ weddings, pictures of this past summer, pictures of Marty’s airplane building – completely jumbled together. Hence, the phone calls, chat session, searches and downloads to try to set up slide shows. The clock was ticking for mailing a package. Finally, I decided to put just a hundred or so pictures on the internal memory, and send the SD card later. However, I couldn’t figure out a way to select photos and transfer them to the internal memory. After another half hour of trying I got one photo transferred. And I’m pretty computer savvy. By then I was crying.
In the meantime Marty was trying to put up our Christmas tree. When we lived in Tehachapi we always cut our own tree. When we moved here we decided to go for modern and convenience and invested in one of those expensive trees advertised in Reader’s Digest, etc. They have a 100% lifetime guarantee. Ha ha ha. Ho ho ho. It arrived with some of the lights not working. I called – they said we could put up the tree and send it back later, because if they sent a replacement now it wouldn’t arrive in time for Christmas, or we’d have to pay for a second one. After Christmas I called about getting the replacement. They said we had to send it back. I said can they have a shipping company pick it up? How do we package it? We went back and forth for awhile until they finally admitted their guarantee had changed. They sent me a device to check the lightbulbs.
Each year another string of lights went out. Marty was so aggravated this year he decided to cut out all the lights and string it with regular Christmas tree lights. I had one more item I really wanted to pick up today for a family member at a store near Target, so I said I’d pick up lights at Target. Ho ho ho. Ha ha ha.
First – have you ever been to the “Lancaster International Mall?” It’s one part
Okay, zip across the street to Target. Comfortable, clean, cozy, familiar Target. Immediately I was assaulted with the noises of teenage boys making weird sounds trying to pester customers. Then three boys walked by me talking amongst themselves, pretending no one could hear them. They were making sexual innuendos about everything and everything they saw: “Oh, I’m wet and mooshy in my pants.” I thought “I did NOT just hear that!” I walked on, unzipping my jacket. I heard, “oh look, she’s hot for you.” I wondered if I was being paranoid or if they were talking about me. I was torn between stalking them through the store to try to catch them in the act and confront them, or finish my shopping and get the heck out of there. I chose a combination of the two, continuing to run into the guys all over the store. I wanted to tell a manager, but the store was so ridiculously full of irritating people that I would normally associate with a bigger chain.
Target was out of Christmas tree lights. I cried on the way home, listening to beautiful Christmas music.
Why does this happen? I love to give. I love Jesus. I love Christmas. I’m feeling closer to God then I have for years. I finally have a church family again. I get to chat with old friends on Facebook. So why the stress at Christmas?
I know part of it is unrealistic expectations of how much we’re going to get done. I would like to bake, make homemade presents, knit Christmas stockings, design, print and mail 150 Christmas cards, decorate my house beautifully, scrapbook, and cook a wonderful dinner when my family is here on the 26th. Here’s what I hope to get done – finish printing and sending out 60 Christmas cards that I designed, get the house somewhat decorated, and cook dinner for the family on the 26th. I did most of my shopping online. I haven’t wrapped a thing yet. I can always wrap on Christmas day, the first family arrives that evening.
I know part of it is the extra stress and pain this year that’s made it the season even harder. First grade is so exhausting, and I wanted to make that last week before winter break so special for the little ones. Then, our beautiful, sweet Alaskan Malamutes had a fight the Friday before the last week of school. We had the stress of vet visits, surgery, sadness over the event, sadness over how Ivy looks, loss over knowing we can’t show or breed Sandy (on her 5th heat and she’s 21 months, so we have to spay her), frustration over the added expense, and lots of lost sleep as we’ve been sleeping with the dogs. Ivy’s bare ears can’t take the cold nights, we don’t want
Part is bittersweet Christmas memories. I had a hard time at church last Sunday when most of the praise songs were Christmas carols. It was the first time I took a “chill-pill” at this church. It just swept me into memories of people that I still “mourn” – Christmas Eve services that I was intimately involved with. I loved being part of the church body that we worshipped with for 16 years. Most of the time I’m better, but sometimes the pain comes back. Plus it happened at Christmas time – really two Christmases – the crisis, and the next year our final departure. I was the lamb that was lost, and my pastor didn’t try to find me.
I also miss the people at the last church we were at before we moved. I miss being involved in something as fabulous and wonderful as their “Walk Through Bethlehem.” Christmas is when we seem to miss people the most. Marty’s dad died near Christmas. I miss my dad. We miss friends that moved away. Christmas is often associated with sickness, pain, or loss. The expectation of happiness and perfect joy set up against the human existence is a great conundrum.
Part of the problem is feeling the pain of this particular Christmas season. So many families are hurting in this economy. I help where I can. I found out on our last day of school that the reason why one of my little ones had been absent all week -- a family member had been killed in a car accident. I had told her mom at parent conference that I had put her name in for a food basket. The PTA was putting in food baskets for some of our needy families. The mom was so grateful – we have several families living “on the edge.” However, I didn’t understand the process by which the PTA selects families, and she didn’t get selected. The PTA gave me some of the collected food and I’m putting together a basket for my first grader’s family. I just have to call and deliver it sometime tomorrow. I have to get it done.
God gave us the most amazing gift ever when he sent Jesus to be born as a human being, to fulfill all the prophecies, to mend the break between God and man. I thank the LORD that I am now able to feel joy when I worship! Thank you, GOD!
I also feel joy when I am with my family. My son and daughter-in-law are so happy and fun together and their joy overflows onto us. We get to splash around in their happiness! And, of course, grandbabies are such joy-givers! My birthday-gift baby is now three. I sent her a Playmobile Little People Nativity Scene. She asked her mom for the “menu” (directions) and she carefully set up the scene exactly the way it showed on the menu. I also sent her some new shoes. She called me up on the phone. First I heard a silence and a crackle as my daughter handed the phone over. Then I heard a tiny voice saying “I like the shoes.” I’m going to have so much fun watching her and her baby sister (14 months old). “Watching?!” Their other grandma likes to watch me as I get on the floor and play with them. Total delight! And we found out yesterday they have a third “princess” on the way!
I just opened a box of fun stocking stuffers that I ordered for my grown son. I ordered something fun for me, and it’s sitting next to me, quietly cheering me up. It’s a fiber optic colorful Christmas tree that plugs into a USB drive. Thank you, little Christmas tree for your pretty lights!
I know I shouldn’t get stressed. I shouldn’t let rude people get to me. This is the season of JOY, damn it! Maybe I’m being bipolar – I’ll be laughing with my husband at a lunch out during shopping, and a couple hours crying over bad customer service and rude boys. Or maybe I’m normal, and doing the best I can.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share. I know we’ll all have a Merry Christmas, in some way. I am blessed. May the Lord bless you and yours!
- Ann
