Several years ago I went through a rough patch. A crime was committed against my son and
because of that a handful of our church family judged us to be unfit (for
ministry, for the church, for working with kids, for parenting…?). This, along with other traumas sent me
into a spiritual and emotional depression. During this period I found out that songs that used to bring
me joy could hurt. For a couple of
years I couldn’t worship God…well, I worshipped Him but I couldn’t feel
it. It was hard work sometimes,
but I did it.
We had to look for a new church. It was often a song that would send me fleeing from a
church that previously felt “okay.”
It might have been a song that the kids at my previous church home used
to sing. The song hurt because I
missed my ministry, I missed my kids.
It might have been a song that we sang dozens of times at our previous
church home; and I simply missed hearing Kathy sing harmony.
God heals. Time
heals. I started being able
to worship God again with my heart as well as my actions. We are part of a new church family –
and the worship team rocks! I’m
making new memories with new favorite songs.
Last Saturday I went to GraceFest AV. I sat with friends from school, and through the afternoon I
saw other friends from work. What
a blessing to work with brothers and sisters in Christ! I felt so comfortable and at home,
sitting with my friends.
Ahead of
me, to my right, were friends from my previous church family (Judy!). To my left, friends from my new church
family (Anita, Nahrin!). In the
past few years I’ve often felt anxious in situations like this, worried that I
might see someone who would trigger difficult emotions. I felt no anxiety yesterday at
GraceFest….. until I remembered what MercyMe’s biggest hit was.
Gracefest - with friends! |
MercyMe at Gracefest AV 2012 |
The band MercyMe was blessing our socks off. I was surprised how many songs were familiar. I had heard them at Spirit West Coast ten years ago or so, and we loved the band, but I hadn’t kept up with their music (hadn’t purchased any songs). I checked my iPhone to see which music I had, and checked iTunes to see what their biggest hits were. That’s when I realized…. I Can Only Imagine.
I Can Only Imagine
beautifully ponders what heaven will be like, and what the singer’s reaction to
God’s presence will be. My friend,
Mary, has sung it at memorial services.
I loved the song when it first came out. I “broke up” with I
Can Only Imagine seven years ago.
My son and “N” were driving to a wedding rehearsal, singing
along to I Can Only Imagine when a
gust of wind caught the car and they slammed into a telephone pole. Our pastor called us to tell us about
the accident – I was in the hospital in Bakersfield for bilateral carpal tunnel
release surgery. I wouldn’t let
them give me anesthesia until I spoke to Calvin and found out he was okay. A month later we learned that “N” had
betrayed our family, and my world began to fall to pieces.
Spirit West Coast DelMar |
Spirit West Coast Monterey |
Sunday morning I went to church by myself. We had spent the past two weekends at our retirement home in Nipomo, and Marty was there again this weekend (working on the sprinkler system). I found a friend to sit with, and found joy in worshipping our Lord through music. Then the song Jesus Paid It All started. This was a song that we (my sister and I) sang to Mom last February, and we sang it at her memorial service. I wondered whether I would cry, remembering Mom’s passing.
Yes, I cried! I
cried because Jesus melted my heart of stone (I really did feel like my heart
had turned to stone for a couple years there). I cried because I truly felt like I was worshipping with a
church family. I was sitting next
to Nicoletta; we’re praising God because her husband’s recent accident did NOT
kill him or take away his hand when his van tipped on its side with his hand
out the window. I was sitting in
back of friends of Stan and Gail.
Gail recently died in a motorcycle accident, and this church family
rallied around Stan and the kids beautifully. Right behind me was another friend, whose teenaged daughter
was positively glowing with a bright scarf around her neck. The scarf covered the stitches from
very recent thyroid cancer surgery.
Our strength is small, but
in Him we find our healing, but even more: our HOPE!
I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all."
Chorus:
Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
Lord, now indeed I find Thy power and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots And melt the heart of stone.
(Chorus)
And when before the throne I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save" my lips shall still repeat
(Chorus)
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all."
Chorus:
Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
Lord, now indeed I find Thy power and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots And melt the heart of stone.
(Chorus)
And when before the throne I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save" my lips shall still repeat
(Chorus)
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
Good blog mom. :) I love you.
ReplyDelete<3 Thanks for your kind words. And it is a bit comforting to have the encouragement from you regarding looking for a new church family. It is hard and confusing. I don't trust new places very well. But all I can do is try, right?
ReplyDeleteThanks sweets. Love you.
ADT